What's left?

I already have trust issues. I know that. I will probably never be able to trust ANYone for the rest of my life. I became okay with that. I am NOT okay finding things out that make me trust you less; especially when you are such a big piece of my life & I can't let you go. Why did you lie to me? Why do you continue to lie to me? Is this payback for when I did it to you? I lied about a habit that was hard to break. You've been lying about the feelings you've been having or have had for someone else. You had her in OUR bed. You slept next to her while I was gone. You told me you didn't. You PROMISED me that you wouldn't do that. You promised me that you DIDN'T do that. It's my fault for trusting you with that, I guess.

Benefit of the doubt.

So I think I have definitely learned my lesson about certain people. I need to become more aggressive with how I talk to people & how I let them control me. I made a stupid decision recently & it turned out that that decision could have led me down an extremely dangerous path.

I was entirely too intoxicated. I couldn't really vocalize what I was feeling. I couldn't do much of anything, including walk on my own. I don't care if you spent money on me, you offered. I don't care if you like me, I don't have reciprocating feelings. Don't make me feel guilty about it. If I am NOT attracted to you, I'M NOT FUCKING ATTRACTED TO YOU. Plain & simple. More to the point, don't try & take advantage of me when I've had too much to drink. If I say "take me home," take me the fuck home. It wasn't a question, it wasn't a statement. It was a demand. I wanted to go home as fast as humanly possible. I didn't feel safe. You were too forward. You were too needy. You wanted from me what I wasn't willing to give.

And to be completely honest, if you hadn't taken me home, I don't think you would have given a damn if I was willing or not....that scared me the most.

Just keep to yourself.

When is it okay to voice your opinion? Secondly, when is it the right time to shut the fuck up when you realize you're digging yourself a deeper grave?

I understand that at work, you want to seem like a know-it-all, make people think that you're the fucking shit. Don't come at me with your bullshit. I really don't appreciate it when you try to come at me with an attitude, trying to tell me to do my job better. Look, I get it. You're a manager. You're trying to get me to do my job better. No offense, but if the customer can't remember my name, but also CANNOT speak a lick of english, do you think I didn't attempt to help to the best of my ability? I mean, fuck, I got promoted for a reason. I have been working 6 years in retail because I'm good at it. I know what I'm doing. I'm not a retard.

In the same aspect, don't tell me how to do my job. For example, if everyone is complaining that there is sooooo much work to be done yet I see someone walking around not doing a damn thing, you better believe I'm going to give you a damn job to do. Don't put me on blast saying "All this stuff is your responsibility, Robin. You're up here to do this & you have time to do it. We have other stuff that we're in charge of." Well then, why in the fuck is your co-worker walking around, not helping you with all this shit that has to be done?! Answer me that, bitch. All I was trying to do was show you guys that if you're not doing anything, yet complaining about the workload, that I'm going to give you something to complain about. Don't try to justify what you're saying by telling me it's policy. I know the Goddamn policy. How did you feel when I stopped listening? How did you feel when I didn't do what you said? Take that, bitch.

That sneaky suspicion...

Isn't it kind of the rule of thumb that if you break up with someone, there was a really good reason for it & you shouldn't go back to them for any circumstance? That concept is really beyond me.

I'm not so much talking about my most recent ex, Nick, but about someone who hasn't been a part of my life for well over 6 years. But isn't it also an understood fact that you'll never forget your first, true love? It's also in the eye of the beholder. I mean, I loved the majority of my exes but it was always in a different way. I could love someone but not be in love with someone.

My first true love...hmmm. There was a huge age difference, I won't deny that. But it really felt like we could connect on a mature level that I couldn't get with guys my age. I was always more mature than everyone else that was my age & I think that's why he & I hit it off so quickly. Yeah, there's also no reason to deny the fact that he treated me like shit a lot of the time. But you can never let go of someone who really did make you happy during such a crucial time in your adolescence.

Maybe I'm trying to justify why I really want to see him again...

I'm a little bit awkward.

What does that even mean? "Awkward?" It's being used so universally that it's basically become the norm amongst young adults. I suppose that means that I can consider myself normal...

It's amazing how the English language can become redefined if enough people change it.

Speaking of change, how am I supposed to change myself if I've actually turned the phrase "out with the old, in with the new" into "in with the old, out with the new?" I feel since I've been back that I've lost a lot of the self-confidence that I once had. I lost the independence. I lost my new self & reverted back to the little kiddie that needs her mommy to take care of her. Is it wrong that I'm moving backwards? Is it wrong that I've put a halt to my growth?

There's a first time for everything.

I've been living back home for almost 2 months now & it's been quite a roller-coaster, to say the least. Who knew going back to the comfort of your childhood would be so difficult?

Don't get me wrong, I love my family to death but it's weird actually having to live by someone's rules.

Honestly, I don't have much to say right now. I'm getting a bit of a fever & I really just wanted to get my first post out of the way. :)